Offense

After taking a psychology class at UCSD as an undergrad, I learned about a condition called "H.A.B." or "Hostile Attribution Bias" where a person interprets the intentions and feelings of others as negative towards them. In other words, it's an extreme condition where you think everyone is against you. Jason and I have always joked that I have a small form of HAB. Whenever I ask Jason, "Why would you do/say that to me?" Jason would joke and say that I'm having a case of HAB. I think sometimes struggling with insecurities or with other people may seem like a normal and ok thing. However, reading, "The Bait of Satan" gave me insight and practical ways to improve this mentality.

One of the first things I learned in the beginning chapters was that a reason we get offended is because we place our own expectations on people that are not necessarily set by God. As John Bevere says, "We set ourselves up for offense when we require certain behaviors from those with whom we have relationships." It is kind of like the song, "We always hurt the ones we love." The closer we are to someone, the higher the expectation, and the higher the potential disappointment. John then discusses how we put up our own walls to defend and protect ourselves which causes us to have a skewed perspective of what God can do through us and for our relationship with others,

"When we filter everything through past hurts, rejections, and experiences, we find it impossible to believe in God. We cannot believe He means what He says. We doubt His goodness and faithfulness since we judge Him by the standards set by man in our lives. But got is not a man! He cannot lie. His ways are not like ours, and his thought are not ours."

When we are only looking out for ourselves, we are not following Jesus' principles of humility. We are called to love others and love those who do wrong to us. Sometimes we avoid the hard part of loving others by running away from the situation,

"I'm describing those who have imprisoned themselves. They think that all who do not agree with them are wrong and are against them. They protect themselves in their isolation and feel safe in the controlled environment they have set up for themselves. They no longer have to confront their own character flaws. Rather than facing difficulties, they try to escape the test. The character development that comes only as they work through conflicts with others is lost as the cycle of offense begins."

Expectations and running away are certainly applicable to me. Throughout my life I've jumped from friendship to friendship, relationship to relationship. For about the past 3 years however, I have stopped jumping. Right now, I would say Jason is the closest person to me. He knows me the most, and we have inevitably had disagreements and arguments. I often found that something was wrong with our communication. Whenever Jason disagreed with me, I would be set in my heart that I was right and I would find myself staying quiet and "giving up" communicating thinking there was no way he was going to change my mind. When Jason would express his opinion, I would see it as an attack on my character and I could feel myself getting offended. I found it easiest to not talk or not communicate.

Secondly, with my family, conflict resolution has never really existed in my household. Growing up, no one really ever said sorry to one another - there was no real reconciliation. Through reading this book, I discovered that I may have also "given up" on the communication within my family. I remember getting in an argument with my Mom, and Jason suggested that I sit down and tell her how I feel. I found myself saying things that reflect bitterness like, "I know my family, they don't care if I tell them. I've told them before and they brush it off like it's not there fault. This is how it's always been, and I just need to accept that." Like the author described, I was doubting what God could do through me and in my family. And as the book instructs, Jason encouraged me that I can't just give up even if things don't change. I'm responsible for responding the way God wants me to.

I will always have things I can work on and this book referenced God's principles to teach us to forgive and avoid offense. Here are things that I learned:

1. Let go of your pride and realize your own flaws and offenses.
2. Value others higher than yourself.

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." James 3:17

3. Don't react, but respond through God's love.
4. Practice forgiveness.
5. Trust in God's plan and word.
6. Reconcile.

"Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny." Matthew 5:25-26

Our relationship with God will reflect the dynamic of our relationship with others. I believe that as I hopefully continue to truly try to surrender my whole heart to God, it will be reflected in how to deal with trials and tribulations in our future, and I'll be able to love even when it's difficult to - just as Jesus forgave and loved us even when he didn't have to.

"He 'demonstrates His own love toward [and for] us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8